it rises up
towers above
to come crashing down
upon me

why the again
and again
and again

has not for understanding
been searched outside
and within

where lies the understanding
that might be enough
to avoid

what will rise up again
and tower above

are these ghosts my own
those imposed upon me

where lies enough
that might be
to avoid

where is but not return
where is not I
at the end of to where
would be the running

where is the exit
if not but inside

where is not
the rising up again
the towering above

so much emotion
trapped inside
so much to feel
but not permitted out

it is all
too much

the feelings
take over
all

and I cannot think
I cannot reason
but can only
lash out
in panic

but the feelings
are real
and the feelings
are mine

how can I find ahead
if denied what is the reality
now

let me feel
please
let me feel

where but to let my eyes cry
might be found
the way for my feet to find their way
to step forward

you know, right
but I can’t feel it

but you know, right
but it feels the other

but you know
but it feels horrible

what does
my muscles clench
my body shakes
my eyes cry

but you know, right
you know what is really true
but I feel the other

but you know, right
yes

but how can I feel

I decided I knew
it was this box that I wanted
this box I needed

when suddenly
it was that box now before me

it was this I wanted
and that I got

I went with that
it was then
the only path
there in that moment

in time I could see
that that box
had its own story to tell

I wanted this
I learned from that
while still I longed for..

next time
when before me
is this and that
and a million others
what will I be wanting
while the story which is unfolds

to where can I go
to return

to where will I find
what once lost
not given
but yet taken

to where can it be
in later a start
with what once had
before

to where
to where
am I

so much
that was so much storm
so much pain
that I would escape

would I not
would I not seek
to escape my storms
to escape my pains

and where
where then
would I be

if my ahead
had not learned
from what had been my before
what then
where then would I be

what happened happened
what happened indeed happened
before

what happened happened before
what remains is what is yet to be

where can I find ahead
where is escape of that I’ve been
where is the future that holds
the me the one I wish

I dread to look behind
to see so much that wanted not
I dread to look behind
it is ahead I wish to see

and then I pause

behind
it is held in behind

the what I see now
as the what that fitted not
it is held in before
the tomorrows I’d want
and the one’s I would not

where do you find ahead
where do I find the me I would be
from where will my answers come
when will my past leave me to be

mistakes
please give me mistakes

where do I find ahead
what might I find in the looking behind

why can I not let go
of what is clear
can not be held
anymore

why do I grasp on still
to what no longer is
to where I no longer am
to when it can no longer be

when in some moment
outside of thinking
in rage or sadness
I burn that bridge
and lose all going back

when there is no back
what direction remains

sometimes
has the time not come
to burn my bridges

never never
do I find the right
without going through
the all so many wrongs

never never
do I seem simply to know
how to first pick
what I will later pick last

never never
can I oh please avoid
the wretched crooked painful path
that leads only eventually to

it is
it is it seems it must
not just two
but one thousand wrongs
makes finally the right

to look forward
to look forward to
can it be any other
when time flows
but according to its own

to know to look forward
when I cannot tear my eyes
from looking back

in hopes to look
forward
of a different past

time flows
but according to its own
while I can hardly stop
trying to wrench times time to my own

to look forward
to look back
to spin around and round

why can I not
just look