The past returns to haunt. Memories of that done wrong – years past and this morning. The struggle so hard towards change, when the past appears and thus ruins. It immobilizes with shame, it takes over present actions and pulls into past ones.
No, it is not true. (Even if it feels so)
The past only reminds. Though it feels as it defines us. But it is merely greedy and unwilling to depart. It wants to trick so it screams you are still yesterday because it knows you are, in fact, so much more of today. It would kill you with it’s lies to prevent it’s already death. Today may be new challenges, even similar to those before. But if you struggle anew, you are not then but now; with the hope of yet more different to come.
And in it’s workings, fear of visits from the past reveal not weakness but strength and determination. In yesterday, is done what in today you regret; that is now, you see instead your desire to be otherwise. That desire did not exist when you did then what you regret now. The issue is not that you have what you fear but that you have fears themselves. They are the sign of what you want to be and they are a part of the force that impels you there. The hardness to change and keep changing is a matter separate. That you are dissatisfied with something means you are most certainly not that thing itself – as hard as it may be to stop the behaviors themselves.
Change is so very hard. But we are defined by where we aim not where we aim from.
Awareness is pain.
of remembering what I was.
I hurt because I remember
who I don’t want still to be.
But memory knows only what no longer is.
While what conceives postulates what might be.
That which is remembered is no more.
The memory of what was – it haunts as it attempts to live again.
But it also powers the conception.
It make the conception, the desire to be something else.
Give me thus memory.
I can bear the fear.
As great as that fear is, how strong does it conceive it’s opposite.
I remember because I don’t want to be that anymore. That choice being made, you are already not that. Perhaps not yet what you aim at. We are what we aim at, not what we aim from.