I can’t do this
Wait

But it is so hard
I know

It feels so bad
Can you remember there was a better moment before

How do I know it will be better again
It will be different

But then it will get hard again
Cycles are hard

But cycles are hard
Cycles are hard

It is so hard
You are very brave to be here

I can’t do it
It is very hard

Please can you make it better
I can stay here with you

It hurts so much
I am so sorry

Please help
I am here

Eyes see the act
that takes with arrogance
that hurts with disregard
that scars with indifference

Pulse races
respiration quickens
muscles clench
And body knows
strike back

And body remembers
with the smallest reminder
body remembers what to do
strike back

Eyes can forget
depend on body to remember
Mind considers
rely on body to know

Body screams
strike back

What if body forgot to be angry

Why is alone so hard
am I not the same person
as just one minute ago
before the leaving
before the alone

Why this difference in the presence
of others
of conversation
of affirmation
of speech

It is all still me that is here
so what is different

How can the effects of other once gone
pass so quickly
into forgotten memory

It is all still me that is here
so what is different

How do I even know this is alone
Does mind feel it
Does body think it

Do I see empty space and conclude
now I should feel bad now is alone
Or is it a small twinge inside
suddenly become spasms of desperation

It is all still me that is here
so what is different

Maybe I don’t know it
maybe I don’t think it
why then do I feel it

Something changes
what changes
where do I find the me that was before alone

Something changes
what changes
what happens in between
with other and without

Have a plan in mind
when sometimes in reflection or review
doubt appears
then a stomach clench
a muscle tightens
and body shakes
the one battles against the other
the plan in mind, the body in reaction
one pushes one way
one pulls the other
Mind Plans Body Shakes

What strength is left fails
and I fall
to the ground
and stay
and cannot move while

Looking at a door nearby but too far
I wonder what is outside
and what is different
and what if it is not
and I wonder if

Some door is nearby
but any distance seems too far
and what might be there
only might be there
and I cannot move

And I get up
I’ve been here before
I’m dragging myself closer
to the might be different

But then I fall down
I’ve been here before
and I can’t move
and I stay
because I cannot move right now

I’ve been here before
it feels the same
it feels different
I move closer
I move further

I fall down again
I’ve been here before
but each time before
was a different each time
so each time I start
is starting from a new
at least a bit different

Each time the same
each time different
I’ve been here before

Sometimes
I wish hope would just stay at home
so I could too

And sometimes it does
and so I do too
and worse
And descend to that place of darkness
where nothing pierces

And then something is done
usually with intention other than intended
And light is seen
Even in that unpierceable place

And I get up
and start from this new place

Courage and strength
they are a wretched thing