And we begin to doubt
what we knew to be
at the deepest part
The living through the world
in which so much opposes
and says in criticism
We first hold firm
but grow tired
and so submit
then wonder at last
who really is inside
yet still here
within
I that always was
how in doubt
to remember
Years ago before me lay the great climb
and so far I was from what I’d reach
from what I’d try to reach
and so in doubt was I if I could
Still one day I started out
I started up
and clawed and scraped
one step each time
Slowly what was further become closer
a point I’d reached along the way
and then another
and then a next
But in each new destination accomplished
came the old feeling
the disatisfaction
the longing
no matter how far I’d come
the same doubtful feeling
and the feeling was not changed
Feeling knows not of distance
and this feeling is but one kind
Distance sees the changes
the movings the becomings
the reachings on that great climb
I set out to do
But this feeling returns
it follows and haunts
and makes me wonder
if the feeling is same
is the place different
It undoubtedly is
why then does it feel the same
Within denseness is the effort
my arms move against
my legs move against
even my thoughts
are opposed
I try to reach for
or run toward
but am hindered so
In this dream like world
before me is what might be
or could be
or should
but is not
I move toward these things
that ought
and am slowed
by is
and not surrendering
I fight against
and will lose
in reaching for can’t
can cannot be
by the act itself
before me waits can’t
and what might be
or could be
or should
but will not
and I go on
fighting is
In stream since the first
I have been
moving
at times along with
at times opposed to
sometimes toward
sometimes away
yet moving
When in time arises need
but this unlike need I’ve known before
need beyond me
it is like echo
it is sensed but from a place unclear
the path to it unknown
and my ability within uncertain
I move toward but stumble
and then I am stopped
no longer moving
no longer flowing in stream
while stream around me moves
for stream itself
and for others
this thing is beyond me
and I know not how to reach
I am reaching blindly
am standing still
I move now in circles
the line is no longer straight
Line and time have changed
line had known but straight
and finds itself now in circle
time had known but forward
and finds it now cannot emerge from moment
and I am still
it seems
Afflicted by perception of immediate
curve sees not its line
while line become curve no less line
I follow the points which are for me in line ahead
but feel only in curves
What perspective claims to see one better than other
Afflicted by perception of immediate
can moment see next or remember last
next arrives but feels like last
I see next but feel moment
I move to that ahead for me
but feel only moment
Why not yet taken as can’t
The stream flows sometimes still
But I I am still
it seems
no longer moving in stream
no longer in line
no longer ahead
it seems
moving in stillness
stillness in moving
perhaps from far away I see the continue
but I still feel in moment
It is all not yet
it is now stillness outside of flow
the continue visible
but the moment felt
but the moments felt
the moments continue
Can you hear the continue
standing
in stillness flow
in curve line
in moment next
still in continue
I awaken to my dream
but I am in the world
and I am not asleep
Awake
moving through the world
but like dream
I am running from
I am running towards
but can be only trying to
for so much so far
beyond my control
it is like dream
but I am awake
and moving through this world
The dream is I
from far deep within
it has become me
awake I am my dreams
I am awake
but in the world
and the world pushes against
I dream harder
and the world pushes still
It is intertwined
interlaced
dependent and opposed
dream in world
this what it’s like
to live in this world
to be dreaming in an awake
Accessible though unknown
for knowing of
is not knowing that
What was known before
is what is seen ahead
while held in mist
all the rest
of oppressive or of joy
of hope or despair
ahead is before
While all that is
is not what is
for being seen
but is for being is
or might be
or can be
or shouldn’t be
Ahead is before
the wider the coming from
the broader ahead the going to
from now
How could I ahead
if not at first before
I seek
I would know
I seem sometimes to find
but seems can so often only
from what is before have known
Held in mist
what can be known now
what now can ahead become before
in mist
so much in mist
so much oblivious in mist
while is remains is
or might be
or can be
or would be
There is what is
this world that surrounds
and I have come to know it
I have watched and seen
I have thought about and determined
You have to
you have to decide
and take your steps
There was some confusion
some things that made sense less
than what I’d figured out
that’s ok
I know what I saw
knew how to put pieces together
eyes have seen
mind has determined
I can trust these eyes
I can depend on this mind
it is all you have
it is your eyes that see
it is your mind that determines
You have to decide
you have to take your steps
this world I have seen
this world I have determined
it is true
it is true
isn’t it
no wait…
I’m standing on one foot
and I’m leaning over
and I’m starting to fall down
and I might
because I just picked up the other
because I’m starting to take a step
and I have to pick up the one
and hold it there a moment
to figure out where to put it next
to try a move in this direction
or maybe that
and I have known
how often it’s not easy
for the regretful steps I’ve made before
the backwards steps before
the going nowhere steps before
and fear for the many I’ll yet regret to come
but it’s not one step that makes me
but all of them together
all of them before
all of them to come
and the sum that keeps me changing
I could make it easier
I could put down the one
I could just stand
or sit
or lie
and sometimes I will
to rest
but not forever
So now I’m ready again
or maybe I’m not
but I’m standing on one foot
because I have to pick up the one
and hold it there a moment
to figure out where to put it next
I’m standing on one foot
and I’m very uncomfortable
and have been so before
a lot
and I wonder when it will get easy
and think maybe it won’t get easy
but hope maybe I will keep learning better how
how to stand on just one foot
I hate now
now is not before
when I could try it otherwise
when I could choose a something else
when I could have altered just a bit
I hate now
now is not later
when the waiting will be done
when the changes will be settled
when so much might stand more figured out
so much I might do
but so much I must
I hate now
I see the clock
I know the time
but my head keeps living past
but my head keeps living later
while me is living now
I take a breath
I step into now
I hate now
what I can
what I would
and yet what I must
stepping into now
I want to be
the person I’m going to be
tomorrow
I want to be that person
today
Because it’s a long way
to tomorrow
because the steps from yesterday
that I figured out today
led to the learning
I’m still waiting for
a chance to use
It’s hard to look
it’s hard to see what I can learn
it’s hard to wait
for a chance to try again
tomorrow
It’s hard to wait for tomorrow
and remember how good I did
figuring out today
InitialDrafts 