memories
of a time that is good
of others who are warm
of a me
I wish I could be still

how strong the memories
how distant the past
how present the pain
how much I long
to reach that past
which could heal me now

it is in my mind
I know it remains in my mind
but my heart is breaking now
and the memory
is
is
I do not know where

where is this past
where is this pain
where is this memory
where is this now

this memory
it is in my mind
I know it remains in my mind

the past remains with us
in a different kind of now
yet so far from now
as to feel but only
a now which is no more

but it is in my mind
I know it remains in my mind

but in that past
was it not too then in my mind
did I not know then
because it was then in my mind
that thing which now a memory
was then a thing in the now

what my mind
knows still now
can I not know now

that good
and that warm
and that me
that is beyond time

can I not now seek
can I not now know
that which is beyond time

what can I
what can be now known

Humans will continue, as so it seems, to stumble along our very not straight lines toward the unseen destination. Yet there are not so much mistakes as there are moments, as there are intersections. What a thing is is really what that thing was; how it guides the steps which come later. In how we each and together are informed by the moments that have passed is ever formed that unseen destination.

how
but by yesterday
step i now
into later

how
but by what learned then
or not
brings the stepping now
that i now stepping
takes me
creates
future
now already gone
as it becomes
next

do we not forever live in the past
as we pull closer tomorrow
into the now
which binds both

do i remake the future
into a new past

this constant unfolding
of before
into nows
becoming

then gone
where

what is this thing
a word
what is this act
to speak

if I make my sound
will my pain be heard
will my voice find
what my heart does seek

what is this thing
that cries out within
that cries out
and needs be heard

but fears
what might be said
and so is silent
but needs still
to speak

what is this thing
a word
what is this act
to speak

what my heart does seek
what might my voice
thus find

it rises up
towers above
to come crashing down
upon me

why the again
and again
and again

has not for understanding
been searched outside
and within

where lies the understanding
that might be enough
to avoid

what will rise up again
and tower above

are these ghosts my own
those imposed upon me

where lies enough
that might be
to avoid

where is but not return
where is not I
at the end of to where
would be the running

where is the exit
if not but inside

where is not
the rising up again
the towering above

so much emotion
trapped inside
so much to feel
but not permitted out

it is all
too much

the feelings
take over
all

and I cannot think
I cannot reason
but can only
lash out
in panic

but the feelings
are real
and the feelings
are mine

how can I find ahead
if denied what is the reality
now

let me feel
please
let me feel

where but to let my eyes cry
might be found
the way for my feet to find their way
to step forward

you know, right
but I can’t feel it

but you know, right
but it feels the other

but you know
but it feels horrible

what does
my muscles clench
my body shakes
my eyes cry

but you know, right
you know what is really true
but I feel the other

but you know, right
yes

but how can I feel

I decided I knew
it was this box that I wanted
this box I needed

when suddenly
it was that box now before me

it was this I wanted
and that I got

I went with that
it was then
the only path
there in that moment

in time I could see
that that box
had its own story to tell

I wanted this
I learned from that
while still I longed for..

next time
when before me
is this and that
and a million others
what will I be wanting
while the story which is unfolds

to where can I go
to return

to where will I find
what once lost
not given
but yet taken

to where can it be
in later a start
with what once had
before

to where
to where
am I

so much
that was so much storm
so much pain
that I would escape

would I not
would I not seek
to escape my storms
to escape my pains

and where
where then
would I be

if my ahead
had not learned
from what had been my before
what then
where then would I be

what happened happened
what happened indeed happened
before

what happened happened before
what remains is what is yet to be