The plan the end
a determination to reach
And then the walls the rains
then the slips the falls and crashing
crashing

The plan is known the end is seen
but the walls are felt
and the crashing
crashing

Sometimes I get up again
and remember the plan the end
But I feel
I feel the crashing

I know the one
I feel the other
Then a thing unexpected
and I know and feel
both

And I get up
again
and wait
for both

The hurts remembered
and the causes learned to avoid
Seeing the way things are
and the whys it must be so

Lessons learned
that keep from the same mistakes

Lessons learned
that build fences that protect
that lead to steering well clear of

and the fences become more strong
as does the knowing of all that is
against all that may be

So loud today
it screams its fears its doubts
While tomorrow perhaps a thing very different
lies hidden unknown in darkness

Even having been here before
even having seen a today turn into a tomorrow
Still today still the now
forgets again and again
what might be

So loud the noise of today
of now
While tomorrow…

If I could just sit for a moment
or two
If I could just see what is
unfiltered
if I could just see and not judge

If I could follow tomorrow
and not be led by yesterday

If I could face the past

If I could listen to my ideas
more than my genes

If I could give up
What I knew I know
If what I knew
was not what I know

If I could do these things
instead

Turns out
the straight line
isn’t

On this round planet
placed in this curved space
within this moving universe
From a distance it is seen

The distance between
is along a curved space
and from even closer
Continuity along the line
even that is lost

A magnifying glass
shows on the line
all its little points
not even really aligned

The distance between
turns out to be full of little points
little bumps along the way
big bumps along the way
points aligned and points askew

We’d like the straight line
we’d like a distance shortest
but courage
Is not Courage to walk the crooked path

It was all here long before
and will all be so much longer after
I know how small I am from the distance
but feel only how large the hurt in any one moment

That one who took my spot
that noise that was too loud
That thing I could not get for mine
that person I saw as but wasn’t

These things will pass
and others will follow
There will be pleasant
there will be not

It is all so much bigger than me
and still I demand
and still I demand

The errors
the mistakes
Sometimes small
even sometimes unredeemable it feels

To attack the self
for them
To batter the self
for all what might have but wasn’t

instead perhaps…

Dissatisfaction with the last round
certainly dissatisfaction
But in place of battering
a sense of cycles

A vision of another round of things learned
an idea of how to try next
how to try again

Dissatisfaction of course
(though from where else comes something better)
And these hurt of course
dissatisfaction; not yet-ness; struggle still

But to see instead not errors
but moving
ever moving
in cycles
ever approaching
in steps even if both towards and away
that place not yet

The things I tell myself
the stories I create
On behalf of the story of me
the one I’d really wish to tell

I sleep better knowing
that all is as it should be
That the me that others see
is the me I’d want be seen

I rest more at ease knowing
that I see so accurately
That what I’ve needed to learn
is all the learning I’ve needed

Can I learn what I don’t like
can I see through to things as they are
Can I learn what perhaps I ought to
if it risks the story of me

All the books were read
all the people consulted
All the history observed
everything was learned

Only it wasn’t
learned by self
Until self walked the same path
by itself

Why can’t these lessons
these lessons of life
be learned from the lessons of other
Why must self learn the lessons alone
again and again

Either we get along
or we do not
Either it fits
or it does not

No pushing no prodding
no alteration of self will last
It fits
or it does not

Civility can be between
but never attachment
if at first had been not the links already there

How can this be
between people all made of the same stuff
Where from did it come
and why so unconquerable
this impenetrable wall