It must happen now
This moment is the single one
never to be repeated
never to offer the same

The timing that knows better than we do
knows when its timing may come
knows the now still waiting to become then

The timing that knows better than we do
has the quiet to sit
during now
sees what is becoming
now

This thing you set out to do
this person you wanted to meet
this progress you should have made
And at all these things you fell short

Because you
were scared
didn’t know what to do
didn’t do it well enough

And you feel bad
You deserve to feel bad

You deserve to feel bad
because life is hard
and that feels bad

You deserve to feel bad
because you care enough to want to learn
more than you now know
and it feels bad that it takes so long

You deserve to feel bad
because knowing all this
doesn’t make you feel not bad

But as to what you didn’t do
as well as you wanted
As to who you didn’t connect with
as well as you wanted
As to who you are not yet
as well as you try to be just now

All this hardness
for what is not yet
Is because you care enough
to want to get there

And for all that
you deserve only to feel good

Feeling at home in certain place
but not in other
A piece of music which calms
another which grates
The people I love
and all the others

Where come from all these
that make a person
that made me
And when was there choice
and when was it given

What forms a person
how long before even me did I start
How can it even be known for
there must be a thousand things

A thousand encounters
when too young to choose
A thousand experiences
imposed on a child that’s forming

Beneath consciousness
beyond control

A thousand reactions of chemistry inside
a thousand synapses sealed or broken
A person is carved

Beneath consciousness
beyond control

And what of the words that were said
the ones that built strongly
and the ones that cut deeply

I feel the master of me
but can’t even stop that song in my head
Let alone the reactions
I know better than but which my temper does not

Choices not all chosen
were the choices that made me
What part were choices
of these choices that made me

Pain independent of breath
suffering independent of a next step
To feel the oppression of now
and separate hurt from being

Self unlocked from body
terrifying apart from a movement
To allow emotion its course
while self trudges on

Movement apart from agony
a muscle that moves
a small breath just taken
While the most oppressive storm unleashes upon

The experience of being crushed
surrendered not to
by the knowledge of…

Can this be done
to suffer and yet to step

There is a point at which a thing
has not yet seen the world
It is unharmed
and knows not what struggles await

There is a point at which a thing
has seen the world
And has suffered
but is not broken

There is a point a which a thing is broken
for it has seen the world
and suffered too greatly

And we are many parts
parts sometimes broken
and sometimes healed ready to risk being broken again
And this circle turns and turns again

There are points I dream of
and points I am terrified will return
There are points I aim for
there are the points that are simply now

There is a point at which though broken
I can step back out and risk the circle again
There is a point at which while broken
I fall and can only imagine

There are points I dream of
and points I am terrified will return
There are points I aim for
there are the points that are simply now

Out there
perhaps not even far
The distance from now
imagines the other side of is

Why so hard this distance
why so hard the first step towards next
why so easy the step back to was

Ahead it is promise and hope
it is softness and comfort
it is relief and safety
but the distance no matter how close
feels a distance too far

Hope imagines the distance
and wonders and wishes
How to let go of now